Counseling During the Holidays

This Time of the Year Sucks…

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This time of the year can be very exciting for many people. There are a lot of holiday festivities happening that involve connection, creativity and a sense of belonging. Children make their Christmas lists and parents panic frantically trying to find the gifts that their children want. Sightseeing the Christmas displays in all towns and cities, breaking bread with family and friends, and shopping until you drop—-That’s the spirit…

Well…This time of the year sucks for a lot of people. The holidays are a reminder of separation, trauma, and unhappiness. If this time of the year is about the connection with loved ones, then what do you tell a mother who has lost their child to a heroin overdose? The person who misses their wife because she died doesn’t give a shit about holiday cheer. The homeless person would do anything to drink hot chocolate in front of the fireplace with their loved ones. The child that is in foster care that has one wish for Santa, probably wishes he could see his father.

We hurt. You hurt. I hurt. Compulsive shopping and obsessive planning can distract us from what we are really feeling this time of the year. For some, there is a great deal of anxiety “to get it right”… The right gift, the right packing, the right color…There is a lot of pressure the holidays can put on people. Or, people let the holidays add unneeded pressure—the need to please others.

This time of the year also brings about an increase in alcohol use, for many reasons. Social consumption of alcohol use is often overlooked and people overdo it.

Think about others—-the ones that hurt; the ones that grieve; the ones that are lost; the cold; the hungry; the ones that are imprisoned and locked away. Watch the pressure you put on yourself—that shit doesn’t matter. Nobody is going to remember you got them a yellow sweater and they requested a purple one. People will remember if you made time for them and how you made them feel. Invest in that shit.

This is the time to invest in your relationships and to be selfless to others. This is all we get. After all, what if this was your last holiday season with your family. How do you want to be remembered if your family spent the next year without you?

Helping Others to Help Yourself

Helping Others and Happiness

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Helping others and happiness. Need I say more?

Humanity has needed help from others since the beginning of time. Our physical journey in life is to define and secure happiness. The ‘physical’ things like cars, jewelry, sex, money can not bring about secured happiness; its not enough and never is. Once these material things are secured our journey continues to pursue these things endlessly. They are all good things. I love money and work and….but these things never truly satisfy my soul. There is a constant yearning for more. For me, the ‘paper chase’ leaves me lonely, isolated, tired, and UNHAPPY.

The world is too diverse for me to live in the same box I’m going to die in. I know helping others creates happiness; shit I’m a therapist. “If you love what you do, then it’ll never feel like you’ve worked a day in your life”. This is true for me. However, not everyone can say that. I’m currently traveling in a country where I know very little of its language. This is terrifying for me because….I have to ask for help ALL THE TIME. What I found out is that when I ask for help I usually get it and I find my destination. When I don’t ask for help and I try to figure it out on my own, then I end up lost and feeling angry. See the parallels with life?

The locals have been fantastic. I have been meeting some really great people. I also see their faces light up when I ask for help. The smile is always an indicator of happiness. People generally like being asked for help. When I don’t have a fucking clue of what I’m doing and I ask for help, then it gives someone an opportunity to help me and the same is true for me.

The tribes and cultures our ancestors came from thrived in a community where people helped each other. It brought great contentment, unity, and happiness. Tremendous gratitude happens when I feel like I’ve contributed to the larger picture, humanity.

For you smarty pants—our brains secret neurotransmitters like dopamine (associated with pleasure) and oxytocin (associated with trust and attachment) when we help others. That’s why it feels good. So, something happens on a neurological level that actually creates happiness. You have ever been in a shitty mood and tried to help someone? More than likely you felt better afterward.

Helping others can seem daunting and it doesn’t have to be. I’m not asking you to volunteer at a homeless shelter or start a non-profit (even though you could). What about the small things like holding the door for someone, giving someone directions, paying for someone’s coffee, or listening to a friend who is struggling with something. The opportunities are endless.

Not only does it feel good to help others but it is our responsibility to help all those around us. My challenge for you is to help someone that you normally wouldn’t connect to. Chances are that you know who and what to do. Now do it!! Remember, we can all use more smiling people in the world.

Adieu

(Means ‘until God’ in French)

Relationship Counseling, Relationship Therapists

Relationships

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Think of all the relationships you have. Envision yourself interacting with everyone you come in contact with on a daily basis–your partner, your children, the mailman/mailwoman, the barista at Starbucks, your coworkers, and colleagues. More than likely, you are in contact with a lot of relationships every day. We are social animals and need relationships.

Imagine waking up tomorrow and all these relationships aren’t there. Imagine how lonely that will be. You can see that relationships are critical at preventing us from being lonely and isolative. The Harvard Study, a qualitative study conducted with over 80 years of data concluded that our ultimate happiness is related to the quality of our relationships.

What is the quality of your relationships? Are you satisfied? What are you doing to deepen those relationships? If I want to receive love, then I have to give love. Relationships are reciprocal. If I want something, I have to give it. This isn’t always true but my relationship experience proves that this is true most of the time.

If I am not getting what I want in my relationships, then I can ask for what I want. If my partner is not validating me or providing enough physical touch, then I can ask for it. I no longer have to wait for her to figure out what I need and in the meantime, I can become bitter and resentful that I’m not getting what I want.

Relationships are fruitful and vital in our happiness and relationships…suck. It’s hard to coexist and learn how to evolve with other people. The risk is worth the reward!

Here are some things you can do to improve the quality of your relationships:

  • Ask for what you want
  • Listen (this is hard because we want to console and give advice. Sometimes people just need us to listen)
  • Validate what you are listening to (it’s not agreeing or consigning but it’s attempting to be compassionate by trying to understand where the person is at)
  • Develop trust through being consistent and reliable (do what you say you’re going to do)
  • Ask what the other person wants or needs
  • Be vulnerable (this is hard for men but is so rewarding when we can authentically communicate our feelings)

I hope that you can enrich your life by enriching your relationships. Mike Patterson, a friend of mine, gave me this valuable piece of information. He said when someone says “I love you”, we are quick to respond with “I love you too”. It’s like we are conditioned to respond immediately. Instead of saying “I love you too”, try saying “thank you for loving me”. It can be more meaningful and have a positive impact on the relationship dynamic. So, thank you for loving me!

If you’re looking for extra support and guidance through a challenging situation or you’re just ready to move in a new direction in your life, we look forward to working with you to achieve your goals. We love to hear from you! Please do not submit any Protected Health Information (PHI).

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We are an outpatient office that offers counseling for a variety of concerns. We provide effective and efficient therapy to individuals, couples and families. Our focus is to create safety with our compassionate non-judgmental approach while building a trusting relationship. Today you are one step closer to a new you! We look forward to working with you to achieve your goals.

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