I tend to think very highly of myself and of all my accomplishments, successful relationships, and all that shit. Here lately I’ve been exposed to some harsh truths about myself—these are truths nonetheless—my truths. Earlier today, I was thinking about the uneasy feelings I have towards a previous employer and the remarks that were made towards my character, which I work hard at maintaining. Then I started to explore different relationships I had with the staff at this place.
There was one person, particularly that I felt deep pain towards. It wasn’t their pain it was mine. I felt regret and shame about several things that I said to this person. Now, I’m not even sure this person is affected but my heart and gut are still heavy. There is no way I can take those statements back or how I suspect they made that person feel. I focused on my feelings and when I did I noticed I wanted to blame others. I caught myself immediately blaming others for how I treated this person. “If they wouldn’t have…”
This was automatic for me. I quickly shifted back to feelings and closed my eyes. The sensation in my stomach got more intense and felt like knots and butterflies. I realized that I was wrong. In all my glory…I was wrong. Then I began crying for my regret. With my eyes remaining closed, I envisioned this person in front of me. I apologized and ask for forgiveness. I continued to cry and ask this person to forgive me for what I had said. In my mind’s eye, they said nothing. They didn’t need to. I knew I was wrong. I admitted I was wrong to myself and owned that I fucked up. I cool breeze came over me and I began to forgive myself.
Forgiveness is the antidote for regret. I would hope that everyone would forgive me for all the things I’ve done throughout my life. In reality, not everyone will forgive me. Once I owned my stuff I was able to see myself accurately. Seeing my tainted-struggling-arrogant-ashamed true self allowed me to begin forgiving myself—warts and all. As I check in with myself now, there still is regret but it isn’t as disturbing. Maybe someday I will have the opportunity to meet this person face-to-face to own “my side of the street”.
This shit is uncomfortable. As I am typing this I notice that I don’t want you to know this about me. You may judge me. You may never read these blogs again. However, I am struggling to stay with my true self and to show that to the world. The more of me I see, love, and accept than the more I want to share with the world. After all, this is all we get.
So much of my life has been lived for other people. I am in the midst of change. I think we all are. The word struggle means to proceed with difficulty. Proceed means to come forth from a source. So, I am leaving this old familiar place and trying to find my way. I think we all are.